I’m back in the same coffee shop from my previous post. It is silent and tranquil. The owner of the coffee shop knows me by name, and she says it so sweetly. The music playing has a lo-fi vibe, which is perfect for writing in my opinion. My tea is refreshing with subtle hints of cactus blossom. My body aches less, and my mind feels a bit more clear.
It’s suppose to be quite warm today, around the mid 90’s. I use to dream of days like today, now I can happily say that I get to live in these moments daily. My tan is beginning to appear darker with each day, and my skin remains clear due to the vitamin D.
It’s been a while since I have had one of these days. That kind of day where you feel like nothing can disturb your peace of mind. I am going to pursue the kind of day where I can lay in bed tonight and blissfully say that it was a good day.
It’s such a mystery how the mind and body dance with grace to fabricate positive outcomes when there’s an entirely conflicting and dark side as it’s shadow.
I’ve been searching for myself for a while now, and I’m determined to find her within the glow of the sun and the twilight of the moon. Each day and night is an opportunity for growth.
“My anxiety is a child who plays tag with my intestines, braids fishtails with my pulse. While she naps unseen under caramel moons, I wake to find her blameless”
-Sade Andria Zabala
Don’t let the title get you twisted. Let me explain further.
You know those days where you constantly feel like your head is stuffed full, and it’s almost as if it could implode any moment? Yeah, I’ve been having that feeling a lot lately.
You feel grumpy, fatigued, and almost sickly. Your energy is low and all you want to do is either bust out all of your priorities, or hibernate under a weighted anti-anxiety blanket for the rest of the year. There isn’t really an in-between feeling.
Then, it feels like there are so many tasks at hand that must be completed soon. So, you’re sitting in a coffee shop, head on the verge of explosion, chest feeling compressed, muscles tight, all while realizing that you have so much shit to do.
Suddenly, a child starts screaming. The room becomes filled with people who are speaking way too loud. The person next to you is coughing every 30 seconds, and isn’t covering their mouth. So. Much. Noise.
You begin to wonder if something is wrong with you. You are so sensitive to these noises and things happening around you. You let it get under your skin and bother you until you finally decide to get up and leave out of discomfort.
This is my anxiety on a bad day. Every thing happening around me that is disturbing my peace becomes unbearable and vexatious. I’m aware that I bring it upon myself, but it’s such a complex concept to get myself to understand and control.
I practice my breathing, reading, writing, and other activities that help ease my mind. However, I feel as if those hobbies only leave me content for a limited amount of time. My mind is always in conflict with time. My mind is overwhelmed. My mind is tired.
These bad days are far and few apart, but addressing them and accepting them when they occur is all part of the plan that is my life. I push myself through these bad days, no matter how much I wish to give up. If I can manage these emotions, headaches, stress, anxiety….So can you. You just need to take it slow.
I’m speaking to myself and others when I say this…You can do it.
I’ll address the elephant in the room; I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s not that I didn’t want to write, I have just been carrying a heavy load of stress on my back for a few months now.
I know many of you can relate. Stress and depression seriously forces you to slowly slip away from yourself and what you’re passionate about. You may notice a change in how you sleep, eat, behave, and even your appearance. You want to be in a untroubled place, but no matter how hard you try, you still seem to be stagnant in your being.
I know myself well enough to watch out for the things that I do when I am extremely stressed. Some of them are things I cannot control, such as losing my menstrual cycle. Some of them are things I can control, such as eating two pints of ice cream out of complete emotional turmoil. (Yes, it has happened before). All of this may sound sad, but it’s real. I know I’m not alone in this. Im not giving up, I’m just working through these challenges.
I wake up every day and question my purpose, my passion, and my morals. I know this is normal, and I know that my questioning is coming from a place of fear, uncertainty, and lack of confidence. Well, it’s time to knock that shit off. I’m sick of it. I want the best for myself. How am I going to find my motivation again? What steps can I take to feel whole again? I may need some buddies to help keep me accountable. Feel free to write down your own steps for how to better yourself. I like to do this every now and then when I’m feeling completely lost in my journey.
Steps to contentment:
-Start writing at least once a week.
-Get a planner and write each week out every Sunday evening.
-Clean/organize my house at least once a week.
-Read a chapter of a book daily.
-Focus on quality time with friends and family.
-Go for a walk after dinner.
-Get a big ass water bottle and always carry it with me so that I drink at least half my body weight in ounces per day.
-Get as prepared as possible for school in the fall.
That was kind of a lot more than I was expecting, but I think that was needed. It really puts it into perspective when you write it all down and realize what you are missing from your life.
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m gonna make the rest of this year my b*tch. I know I can do this. I fall off my horse every now and then, but my dad always taught me to get back on and handle the horse. That’s exactly what I’m gonna do with life.
Thanks for reading, I hope this post serves you in some way. I hope it’s a great day for you.
Hello, anxiety. It’s nice of you to show up at the most inconvenient time, again. You make my chest swell, my head pound, and my whole body feel uncomfortable. I know you don’t mean to make me feel that way, but you always leave me feeling defeated. I’m not quite sure how you became such a big part of my life, but all I know is that I don’t want you around anymore. I never wanted you around. You’re good at making other’s feel lonely, worthless, and miserable…including me. You make the smallest issues seem so large, and the largest issues seem so unimportant. It’s confusing. You’re confusing.
Loud noises are unbearable, big crowds are frightening, and silence is beautiful. Why do you make me feel this way? Why are you part of me? I don’t understand. I guess I’ll just take my medication at the same time every day so you don’t ruin my mood.
I have lived with you for a while now, and I’m starting to get used to how you become triggered. I know that I can’t sleep in past 7am, be unprepared for work, or leave the volume level on an odd number without you coming out to play. Well, truth is, I’ve accepted you. I don’t understand you, but I am learning to live with how you work. I guess I would consider that self love.
For those of you who don’t struggle with anxiety, this is what is feels like. Every day is a challenge. Please just love the ones around you who are emotionally aware enough to share their mental health status with you. Patience is key, and asking them questions about it is okay, as long as you respect their feelings and are calm when approaching the subject. Please be gentle. That is all we want.
I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party either. I’m just trying to help others understand that they are not alone in this. Understanding that this is worth accepting, because if you don’t, you will spiral down, down, down, until you feel so empty inside that you will shut everyone out, including your happiness. This is the game of life, and accepting your flaws is how you are gonna win. Use your flaws to help others, to motivate, inspire, whatever you feel you can do so that other people can feel worthy of living another day. That is what I’m trying to do. What are you struggling with right now? How can you try to improve the situation?
Feel free to leave your thoughts, opinions, and experiences in the comments, or email me. Breathe, relax, and take care of yourselves this weekend.
It sounds silly, but I remember coming home from school in 5th grade and grabbing an apple instead of the jar of peanut butter and a spoon. (Doesn’t sound like the most appealing trade-off, but I was determined) I remember feeling so unusually proud of myself, I even told my mom and dad that I was eating something healthy.
You’re probably asking what sparked this behavior in such a young child’s head. You’re probably thinking that a child shouldn’t have to worry about eating healthy as much as the average adult, considering that their metabolisms are fresh and more inclined to digest all of the junk food. Well, let me enlighten you on my realization at such a young age.
As an adolescent, I was a bit bigger than most of the other girls, and even quite a few of the boys my age. I was not uncomfortable about this until the day I decided to change my eating habits for the better of my health. Again, it sounds silly and maybe a little sad, but I remember wanting to go on the teeter totter with my friends at recess. I always shot my friends basically to the sky without even trying because I weighed significantly more than they did. However, it wasn’t that situation that bothered me much.
*Flashback to elementary school* My class was lining up to head back to the classroom from the library and I was standing with some of my best friends in line. I’m not sure how the conversation came up, but they were talking about how if you were chubby at a young age, that you would be skinny when you’re older, and vice versa. They told me that I would end up being skinny and pretty one day. Sounds kinda messed up to think about, but that always stuck with me.
Now, I knew I was a little chubby, but obviously I wasn’t going to go on a “diet” at such a young age. That is just a nightmare waiting to happen. I did however, have the courage to change something about myself that I knew could improve my well-being. So, I started to eat healthier day by day. Or at least what a 5th grader would consider “healthy”, which was good enough at the time. This change excited me, and I believe that is where the passion sparked. I became faster, better at sports, and more confident in my abilities.
Fast forward to eighth grade and many obstacles later… My soccer coach at the time suggested that I start personal training at this new gym to prepare for high school soccer tryouts. The gym was called Forever Strong, and it was probably the best experience I could have endured. My trainers taught me traditional and olympic style lifts combined with HIIT (High-Intensity Interval Training) that elevated my interest in the fitness world to newer heights. I was slowly improving my physical fitness to the best it’s ever been. I eventually decided to take my knowledge from there and implement it into my own workouts at a local gym, and I have been awed by exercise and the human body’s capabilities ever since.
Let me tell ya, it was not always a smooth process. I consider it more of a learning experience. It is a journey of mental toughness and self-belief. I struggled internally from about sixth grade to senior year of high school. Body image issues was a huge obstacle that took me years to overcome, but honestly, I think my ability to stick with my healthy exercise habits helped me out of that rut. I went from 105lbs (my unhealthiest) to 125lbs in about a year. I am very proud that I saw that I needed to take care of myself and take action. I did my research, and tried to learn about what I could do to get myself to be healthy again.
Long story short, the fitness aspect of my life has completely saved me. I’ve learned so much over the years, and I just want who ever is reading this to know that…
YOU ARE LOVED & VALUED.
If you are in a place where you feel helpless, lost, or lonely, I encourage you to find a niche. Whether it be lifting weights, running, writing, playing an instrument, or anything that bring you comfort, use it to your advantage and for self-improvement. You gotta go through rock bottom to get to bikini bottom. (Spongebob reference lol)