A Bad Day

A Bad Day

“My anxiety is a child who plays tag with my intestines, braids fishtails with my pulse. While she naps unseen under caramel moons, I wake to find her blameless”

-Sade Andria Zabala

Don’t let the title get you twisted. Let me explain further.

You know those days where you constantly feel like your head is stuffed full, and it’s almost as if it could implode any moment? Yeah, I’ve been having that feeling a lot lately.

You feel grumpy, fatigued, and almost sickly. Your energy is low and all you want to do is either bust out all of your priorities, or hibernate under a weighted anti-anxiety blanket for the rest of the year. There isn’t really an in-between feeling.

Then, it feels like there are so many tasks at hand that must be completed soon. So, you’re sitting in a coffee shop, head on the verge of explosion, chest feeling compressed, muscles tight, all while realizing that you have so much shit to do.

Suddenly, a child starts screaming. The room becomes filled with people who are speaking way too loud. The person next to you is coughing every 30 seconds, and isn’t covering their mouth. So. Much. Noise.

You begin to wonder if something is wrong with you. You are so sensitive to these noises and things happening around you. You let it get under your skin and bother you until you finally decide to get up and leave out of discomfort.

This is my anxiety on a bad day. Every thing happening around me that is disturbing my peace becomes unbearable and vexatious. I’m aware that I bring it upon myself, but it’s such a complex concept to get myself to understand and control.

I practice my breathing, reading, writing, and other activities that help ease my mind. However, I feel as if those hobbies only leave me content for a limited amount of time. My mind is always in conflict with time. My mind is overwhelmed. My mind is tired.

These bad days are far and few apart, but addressing them and accepting them when they occur is all part of the plan that is my life. I push myself through these bad days, no matter how much I wish to give up. If I can manage these emotions, headaches, stress, anxiety….So can you. You just need to take it slow.

I’m speaking to myself and others when I say this…You can do it.

-The Positive Peanut

Anxiety, my Dear Friend.

Anxiety, my Dear Friend.

Hello, anxiety. It’s nice of you to show up at the most inconvenient time, again. You make my chest swell, my head pound, and my whole body feel uncomfortable. I know you don’t mean to make me feel that way, but you always leave me feeling defeated. I’m not quite sure how you became such a big part of my life, but all I know is that I don’t want you around anymore. I never wanted you around. You’re good at making other’s feel lonely, worthless, and miserable…including me. You make the smallest issues seem so large, and the largest issues seem so unimportant. It’s confusing. You’re confusing.

Loud noises are unbearable, big crowds are frightening, and silence is beautiful. Why do you make me feel this way? Why are you part of me? I don’t understand. I guess I’ll just take my medication at the same time every day so you don’t ruin my mood. 

I have lived with you for a while now, and I’m starting to get used to how you become triggered. I know that I can’t sleep in past 7am, be unprepared for work, or leave the volume level on an odd number without you coming out to play. Well, truth is, I’ve accepted you. I don’t understand you, but I am learning to live with how you work. I guess I would consider that self love.

For those of you who don’t struggle with anxiety, this is what is feels like. Every day is a challenge. Please just love the ones around you who are emotionally aware enough to share their mental health status with you. Patience is key, and asking them questions about it is okay, as long as you respect their feelings and are calm when approaching the subject. Please be gentle. That is all we want.

I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party either. I’m just trying to help others understand that they are not alone in this. Understanding that this is worth accepting, because if you don’t, you will spiral down, down, down, until you feel so empty inside that you will shut everyone out, including your happiness. This is the game of life, and accepting your flaws is how you are gonna win. Use your flaws to help others, to motivate, inspire, whatever you feel you can do so that other people can feel worthy of living another day. That is what I’m trying to do. What are you struggling with right now? How can you try to improve the situation? 

Feel free to leave your thoughts, opinions, and experiences in the comments, or email me. Breathe, relax, and take care of yourselves this weekend.