I’m back in the same coffee shop from my previous post. It is silent and tranquil. The owner of the coffee shop knows me by name, and she says it so sweetly. The music playing has a lo-fi vibe, which is perfect for writing in my opinion. My tea is refreshing with subtle hints of cactus blossom. My body aches less, and my mind feels a bit more clear.
It’s suppose to be quite warm today, around the mid 90’s. I use to dream of days like today, now I can happily say that I get to live in these moments daily. My tan is beginning to appear darker with each day, and my skin remains clear due to the vitamin D.
It’s been a while since I have had one of these days. That kind of day where you feel like nothing can disturb your peace of mind. I am going to pursue the kind of day where I can lay in bed tonight and blissfully say that it was a good day.
It’s such a mystery how the mind and body dance with grace to fabricate positive outcomes when there’s an entirely conflicting and dark side as it’s shadow.
I’ve been searching for myself for a while now, and I’m determined to find her within the glow of the sun and the twilight of the moon. Each day and night is an opportunity for growth.
“My anxiety is a child who plays tag with my intestines, braids fishtails with my pulse. While she naps unseen under caramel moons, I wake to find her blameless”
-Sade Andria Zabala
Don’t let the title get you twisted. Let me explain further.
You know those days where you constantly feel like your head is stuffed full, and it’s almost as if it could implode any moment? Yeah, I’ve been having that feeling a lot lately.
You feel grumpy, fatigued, and almost sickly. Your energy is low and all you want to do is either bust out all of your priorities, or hibernate under a weighted anti-anxiety blanket for the rest of the year. There isn’t really an in-between feeling.
Then, it feels like there are so many tasks at hand that must be completed soon. So, you’re sitting in a coffee shop, head on the verge of explosion, chest feeling compressed, muscles tight, all while realizing that you have so much shit to do.
Suddenly, a child starts screaming. The room becomes filled with people who are speaking way too loud. The person next to you is coughing every 30 seconds, and isn’t covering their mouth. So. Much. Noise.
You begin to wonder if something is wrong with you. You are so sensitive to these noises and things happening around you. You let it get under your skin and bother you until you finally decide to get up and leave out of discomfort.
This is my anxiety on a bad day. Every thing happening around me that is disturbing my peace becomes unbearable and vexatious. I’m aware that I bring it upon myself, but it’s such a complex concept to get myself to understand and control.
I practice my breathing, reading, writing, and other activities that help ease my mind. However, I feel as if those hobbies only leave me content for a limited amount of time. My mind is always in conflict with time. My mind is overwhelmed. My mind is tired.
These bad days are far and few apart, but addressing them and accepting them when they occur is all part of the plan that is my life. I push myself through these bad days, no matter how much I wish to give up. If I can manage these emotions, headaches, stress, anxiety….So can you. You just need to take it slow.
I’m speaking to myself and others when I say this…You can do it.
I’ll address the elephant in the room; I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s not that I didn’t want to write, I have just been carrying a heavy load of stress on my back for a few months now.
I know many of you can relate. Stress and depression seriously forces you to slowly slip away from yourself and what you’re passionate about. You may notice a change in how you sleep, eat, behave, and even your appearance. You want to be in a untroubled place, but no matter how hard you try, you still seem to be stagnant in your being.
I know myself well enough to watch out for the things that I do when I am extremely stressed. Some of them are things I cannot control, such as losing my menstrual cycle. Some of them are things I can control, such as eating two pints of ice cream out of complete emotional turmoil. (Yes, it has happened before). All of this may sound sad, but it’s real. I know I’m not alone in this. Im not giving up, I’m just working through these challenges.
I wake up every day and question my purpose, my passion, and my morals. I know this is normal, and I know that my questioning is coming from a place of fear, uncertainty, and lack of confidence. Well, it’s time to knock that shit off. I’m sick of it. I want the best for myself. How am I going to find my motivation again? What steps can I take to feel whole again? I may need some buddies to help keep me accountable. Feel free to write down your own steps for how to better yourself. I like to do this every now and then when I’m feeling completely lost in my journey.
Steps to contentment:
-Start writing at least once a week.
-Get a planner and write each week out every Sunday evening.
-Clean/organize my house at least once a week.
-Read a chapter of a book daily.
-Focus on quality time with friends and family.
-Go for a walk after dinner.
-Get a big ass water bottle and always carry it with me so that I drink at least half my body weight in ounces per day.
-Get as prepared as possible for school in the fall.
That was kind of a lot more than I was expecting, but I think that was needed. It really puts it into perspective when you write it all down and realize what you are missing from your life.
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m gonna make the rest of this year my b*tch. I know I can do this. I fall off my horse every now and then, but my dad always taught me to get back on and handle the horse. That’s exactly what I’m gonna do with life.
Thanks for reading, I hope this post serves you in some way. I hope it’s a great day for you.
I never really understood why, but I have so many people constantly reaching out to me, asking how I managed to move 2,000 miles away from everything and everyone I grew up around at such a young age. Then I started to realize that I’m almost too independent for my own good, and not every one has the ability to just get up and go. I figured I would dig into my thoughts on this subject to help others who are seeking the possibility to move and start a new journey.
I get asked questions such as:
“Why did you want to move away?”
“What has been challenging? Rewarding?”
“Why do I stay?”
“What do I miss about my home town vs. where I live now?”
“What advice would you give someone who is wanting to move from their home town?”
Well, my friends, lets get into it.
First off, let me explain that I am from a small town in Oregon. I spent much of my time in Springfield/Eugene since many of my friends lived there, and my school was there as well. It wasn’t a glamorous city, but it was home. I knew it like the back of my hand, and everyone pretty much knew each other, or dated one another.
This brings me to my reasoning of why I wanted to move away. Now, I do not have bitter feelings toward my home town, nor any one that lived there, I was jut simply tired of living the same 24 hours every single day. I was in a rut, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, it caused me deliberate unhappiness. The weather was something that really effected me as well. It was cold, wet, and numbing; mentally and physically. Some people love it (Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m talking to you), but I definitely thrive in the sunshine. Throughout my childhood, my family and I would take trips to Arizona around the holidays every year. I fell in love with the city of Scottsdale, which is where my grandma’s vacation home resided. I remember telling myself at a young age, that I would live here someday. That someday ended up being a few weeks after I graduated high school.
My moving experience was not all sunshine and rainbows. I faced many challenges that I didn’t consider until they started happening to me. I was so hyped on the idea of living on my own and having so much freedom, that I didn’t even think about how lonely I was. I thought I was doing all of the right things for myself, such as going to school, going to work, grocery shopping, working out, and just being an adult. Soon after doing all of this repeatedly for a few months, I realized that I was back in a rut of unhappiness. I wasn’t content with my performance in school, I didn’t like my job at the time, I was in a suffocating relationship, and the stress was causing me to eat my weight in peanut butter. I sat myself down, prioritized, and took action. I started working for Dutch Bros again, which was a huge source of happiness for me. I’ve met so many of my friends since working there, even my current boyfriend. I took a break from school, and am now in a healthy routine. The challenges will be endless, but I have peace in knowing that I made it through those hard times, and I’m better prepared for more.
Now, the most rewarding thing I have obtained from this big move, is my improvement in self awareness. I am more aware of my feelings, actions, and just all around sense of self. I know what I want, when I want it, and how to get it. I really feel like I have grown into someone I never thought I could be. I have learned how to be more selfless, loving, patient, and kind. I have also created relationships that I couldn’t see myself having back in Oregon. Starting life over in a new city challenges you to get outside of your comfort zone. When you go from feelings so completely broken and lonely, you really get a grasp of how good it feels to connect with other human beings.
I’ll be honest…Oregon summer’s are my weakness. Every time I go back to visit my family over the summer, I fall in love all over again. I want to stay so bad. Some of my best friends are there, so are my pets, and the ability to constantly be doing an outdoor activity. Once I get my hands on a fishing pole, I suddenly have an incredible amount of patience. Once I get my hiking shoes on, I could adventure on all day and night. I miss those summer memories. I’ve never felt more content than when I am canoeing up river to my favorite island, sitting by a fire under the stars with my friends, or picking fresh blueberries with my mom. Unfortunately, Oregon summers only last about three months. That’s where the love fades and I have to come back to reality, and Arizona. I could easily move back, as I feel I am more accepting to rain now, but half of my heart is in Arizona. I stay because I am happy with the life I have created. Oregon will always be home, but there is only a small town with so little to offer. I’ve done all the growing that I could there.
My advice to anyone who is craving the adventure that is being held hostage from them in their home town is to just freaking go. I didn’t think about it too much, I just knew why and where I wanted to go, and I went. I made it happen because it felt right in my heart. Yes, you leave behind so much, but you have a ton to learn and gain as well. Your friends will always be your friends, and your family will always be your family. They will understand if you want to leave and experience new things. You can be happy some where else, too. It will always be home. You can always return. Also, make sure you’re financially prepared. That would be shit if you moved, ran out of money within a few months, and had to move back home. Have a nice amount saved up, enough to last you three to four months so you can be well off until you get a job. Another piece of advice I can offer is to be very aware of your surroundings. Carry pepper spray, a knife, a gun, anything to protect yourself in case of emergency. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and people are crazy.
Lastly, take care of yourself. Be fearless, hard-working, care free, and good-natured. Good things will come to you. I hope this gave some of you the courage to take the next step in your life. Feel free to leave comments or questions below, or reach out in the contact category. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.
– Eleanor Brownn
I am guilty. I use to over work myself to the point of exhaustion and daily mental break downs. I thought I was successful because of my productivity, but I can see now that I was completely wrong.
I was corrupting my mind, body, and spirit. I see productivity as a wonderful trait to have, however, one must know their limits. It is not worth the self harm that comes with ignoring your bodies natural responses to stress. You can be the hardest worker in the room, but if you are mentally drained, are you really winning? Are you genuinely happy with yourself and your performance?
Now, I’m not saying that you should be lazy, unproductive, and selfish all the time if you’re feeling over-worked, but to find the balance between working hard and giving yourself a break to replenish your creativity and energy.
Some people may disagree, but I think it’s totally okay to call out of work if you need a mental health day. It’s okay to say no to hanging out with friends if you’re tired, and it’s absolutely fine to spend some time with yourself. You are not weak for feeling this way, and you should not feel bad either. You are self aware. You are doing the right thing for yourself.
Listening to your body is more than just realizing that you want a pint of ice cream instead of going to the gym. Maybe you’re listening to your aching muscles, pounding headache, or irritated stomach. You could also be listening to your emotional feelings, such as sadness, doubt, or worry.
Your body is always sending you messages. Honestly, being aware of how your body reacts to pressure is extremely important and will help you figure out what you can do more or less of. For example, when I begin to feel stressed out for some reason, (working a lot, studying, relationships) I get MEGA headaches. I could go to sleep with a headache, and wake up with one too. It sticks with me until I do something to relieve my stresses.
It’s so easy to “go relax, and do something that makes you happy”, but I feel like so many people just end up laying in bed and scrolling through their phone. Yes, that could be relaxing, but it’s definitely not mentally stimulating.
I’ll share some ways that you can start tuning in to your body.
Go for a walk. Plug in your headphones, listen to some calming music, and actually look at your surroundings.
Eat mindfully. Eat food that will nourish your body and energy levels, rather than make you feel like a slug. Are you physically hungry or are you hungry because you’re bored? It’s important to be aware of how your body distinguishes the two feelings.
Trust your intuition. Sometimes trusting your heart over your brain is exactly what you didn’t think you needed.
Ask yourself how you’re feeling. By doing this, you can address your needs. Stop, breathe, listen, decide, and act.
Start a self care regime. Get a face mask and bath bomb from Target, play your favorite video game, meditate, do yoga, write, whatever relaxes or pleases YOU.
I hope this post has helped you become more in-tune with your body & mind. I wish only the best for each of you who have read this. Happy Thursday!
I’m aware that Thanksgiving has passed, but this time of year has my mind constantly searching for gratefulness. This time of year can be difficult for many, considering that the weather is getting colder, holidays are passing, and the new year is on it’s way. That is so much change within a few short months. Whether you struggle with holidays due to loss of loved ones, seasonal depression, or just feeling lonely, it is essential to ponder about the gifts life has given you. Now, I’m not just talking about the Xbox that your mom gave you or the flowers that your boyfriend surprised you with, I’ talking about what YOU are grateful for in your mental health. Allow me to exemplify, these are the ten things that I am grateful for in my mental health:
1.) Finding inspiration in the smallest acts of kindness.
2.) Thinking so maturely at such a young age.
3.) Motivating myself when I’m feeling down or lonely.
4.) Knowing that I am the only me in the world, I am entirely unique and proud of it.
5.) Feeling content about sharing my own struggles with people who share similar hardships.
6.) Having the ability to love people, even if they have hurt my feelings.
7.) Feeling so tranquil when listening to indie folk music.
8.) Growing away from my anxiety and making new relationships because of the fact.
9.) The ability to be so in-tune with empathy.
10.) Finding the smallest bit of positivity in a rough day.
It feels good. Addressing the things that make you proud of yourself can be such a beneficial exercise if you are trying to improve your self-esteem and mental health. I’m curious as to what you are grateful for. I’d love to hear from anyone who is willing to share. Feel free to post in the comments below! Happy Tuesday!
Do you ever get the random urge to do something drastic and actually follow through with it? I get those a lot. I call them my mid-(insert whatever my age is) crisis’. It’s funny because I am actually very thankful for those crazy emotions that cause me to do semi-crazy things.
For example, I have decided recently that I am going to train for and compete in my very first bikini competition. Now, this thought of competing has been on my mind for years. I just wasn’t sure when I would commit, considering I am so young and sometimes I feel like I look I’m not mature enough to create a mind-blowing physique. I’ve been training and lifting for about seven years now, so I would consider myself very experienced and comfortable in the gym. I’m hoping this competition can bring me a new level of confidence that will help me with my future plans.
Anyway…Long story short, I was going through a mid-20’s crisis one day and dropped a FAT amount of money on a coach. Luckily, I already knew my coach through going to the same gym for a few months. I trust him, and this process. I am about 3-weeks into my prep with about 16 more to go, and I am extremely motivated. Sometimes I have my doubts though…Like, “can I really do this?” “Will my efforts pay off?” “Please don’t give up/fuck up, Mollie.” AND THAT’S FREAKING TERRIFYING. I know I won’t have the guts to give up anyway, but the fact that my brain is thinking those negative thoughts is very annoying. I’ve decided that if I start something, I cannot and will not give up. Not until I’m satisfied with the results.
I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately on my Instagram regarding my prep and what my workouts/meals are. I think its super rad that people are actually interested in what my goals are and what the process is like. I just hope people take everything I provide as motivation to improve their lives with healthy habits. As of now, the meals are plentiful and I struggle to finish them sometimes. Some of my friends have told me that I look way more muscular in my legs, calves, and booty. That puts me on cloud nine! Having other people notice your gains is one of the best compliments anyone can give. I’ve been working so hard, and I will continue to do so throughout the rest of this prep. Some people may not understand why I’m doing this but that’s okay. This is for me, no one else.
Since I’ve been getting a lot of questions on my workouts, I’ll post the one I did today! My good friend Adam is helping me create a video prep diary on youtube, where we will be posting my workouts, motivational speaking, Q&A, and more. I’ll be posting more details here soon! We filmed the first video today, so expect content early next week.
Check out their Instagram! I’m also an ambassador for them.
It sounds silly, but I remember coming home from school in 5th grade and grabbing an apple instead of the jar of peanut butter and a spoon. (Doesn’t sound like the most appealing trade-off, but I was determined) I remember feeling so unusually proud of myself, I even told my mom and dad that I was eating something healthy.
You’re probably asking what sparked this behavior in such a young child’s head. You’re probably thinking that a child shouldn’t have to worry about eating healthy as much as the average adult, considering that their metabolisms are fresh and more inclined to digest all of the junk food. Well, let me enlighten you on my realization at such a young age.
As an adolescent, I was a bit bigger than most of the other girls, and even quite a few of the boys my age. I was not uncomfortable about this until the day I decided to change my eating habits for the better of my health. Again, it sounds silly and maybe a little sad, but I remember wanting to go on the teeter totter with my friends at recess. I always shot my friends basically to the sky without even trying because I weighed significantly more than they did. However, it wasn’t that situation that bothered me much.
*Flashback to elementary school* My class was lining up to head back to the classroom from the library and I was standing with some of my best friends in line. I’m not sure how the conversation came up, but they were talking about how if you were chubby at a young age, that you would be skinny when you’re older, and vice versa. They told me that I would end up being skinny and pretty one day. Sounds kinda messed up to think about, but that always stuck with me.
Now, I knew I was a little chubby, but obviously I wasn’t going to go on a “diet” at such a young age. That is just a nightmare waiting to happen. I did however, have the courage to change something about myself that I knew could improve my well-being. So, I started to eat healthier day by day. Or at least what a 5th grader would consider “healthy”, which was good enough at the time. This change excited me, and I believe that is where the passion sparked. I became faster, better at sports, and more confident in my abilities.
Fast forward to eighth grade and many obstacles later… My soccer coach at the time suggested that I start personal training at this new gym to prepare for high school soccer tryouts. The gym was called Forever Strong, and it was probably the best experience I could have endured. My trainers taught me traditional and olympic style lifts combined with HIIT (High-Intensity Interval Training) that elevated my interest in the fitness world to newer heights. I was slowly improving my physical fitness to the best it’s ever been. I eventually decided to take my knowledge from there and implement it into my own workouts at a local gym, and I have been awed by exercise and the human body’s capabilities ever since.
Let me tell ya, it was not always a smooth process. I consider it more of a learning experience. It is a journey of mental toughness and self-belief. I struggled internally from about sixth grade to senior year of high school. Body image issues was a huge obstacle that took me years to overcome, but honestly, I think my ability to stick with my healthy exercise habits helped me out of that rut. I went from 105lbs (my unhealthiest) to 125lbs in about a year. I am very proud that I saw that I needed to take care of myself and take action. I did my research, and tried to learn about what I could do to get myself to be healthy again.
Long story short, the fitness aspect of my life has completely saved me. I’ve learned so much over the years, and I just want who ever is reading this to know that…
YOU ARE LOVED & VALUED.
If you are in a place where you feel helpless, lost, or lonely, I encourage you to find a niche. Whether it be lifting weights, running, writing, playing an instrument, or anything that bring you comfort, use it to your advantage and for self-improvement. You gotta go through rock bottom to get to bikini bottom. (Spongebob reference lol)